


Birty

by missdibley



Series: The Red Nose Diaries [90]
Category: British Actor RPF, Tom Hiddleston - Fandom
Genre: AU Tom Hiddleston - Freeform, Existing Relationship, F/M, Tom Hiddleston AU, Wimbledon - Freeform, red nose day tom - Freeform, red nose day tom hiddleston - Freeform, rnd!tom - Freeform, the red nose diaries, tom hiddleston - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-15
Updated: 2018-07-15
Packaged: 2019-06-10 23:52:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15302823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missdibley/pseuds/missdibley
Summary: The more feasible of the two fic ideas I had upon spotting Tom sitting in the Royal Box during the men's singles final at Wimbledon.





	Birty

_“Okay, so… hi, hello, flirting, bickering… we really need to come up with a word to describe it.”_

_“Describe what?”_

_“The thing we do. The way we talk to each other.”_

_“Does it need a word?”_

_“Fighting whilst flirting. Flighting? Flickering? Birting?”_

_“What did you say about being derailed?”_

_“Okay, let’s go with birting.”_

from [“O Captain! My Captain!”](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8583043)

* * *

“Hullo?”

“I saw your fiancé on tv this morning.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Was that a linen suit?”

“Yeah, it’s crazy hot here.”

“Why didn’t you go with him?”

“No plus one for the Royal Box.”

“Björn Borg brought a plus one.”

“Yeah, well… he’s Björn Borg?”

“That makes no sense, Carmen.”

“Also Tom has a thing for Theresa May, and I thought he might have a better shot at a one night stand if I wasn’t there egging him on.”

“What is wrong with you?”

“I’m a supportive fiancée, Annie. Who am I to judge him for his attraction to older women in positions of authority?”

“You two are ridiculous.”

“I know.”

“You sound sleepy.”

“I was napping.”

“You never nap.”

“Yeah, well… today I was.”

“Are you feeling okay?”

“Um… yeah.”

“Try to sound less convincing, would you?”

“Was it?”

“And that even less so.”

“I feel fine, Annie.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong.”

“Hold on… Heidi, we’re leaving soon. Go help your brother with his shoes, ‘kay?”

“What are you guys up to?”

[“Square Roots.”](http://squareroots.org/)

“Oooh, I miss that festival.”

“The kids wanted to go to [the Taste](https://www.cityofchicago.org/city/en/depts/dca/supp_info/taste_of_chicago.html/), but I talked them out of it.”

“Nice. And Square Roots has all those hippie bands that Aaron likes to do his noodle dancing to.”

“Including the one that played our wedding reception.”

“Awwwww.”

"Shut up."

“Do you think they’ll play mine?”

“Does that mean you set a date?”

“Sorta.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“It means… how do you feel about coming for a visit in September?”

“That’s really soon.”

“I know but… hold on… Tom just got home.”

“Okay.”

_“Baby! Can you come up here? There you are, love. How did it go?... Yeah, I meant to but… I’m fine…. Tom, stop kissing… hahahahahahahahaha…  stop tickling me, you’re going to wake up Birty… it’s Annie. I’m just about to tell her.”_

“You’re just about to tell me what?”

“Hey, Annie. I put you on speaker.”

“Hey guys.”

“Hello, Anne.”

“Hello, _Tom.”_

“The dog says hi, too.”

“Hey, Birty!”

“The dog’s name is Bobby, remember? I told you.”

“Didn’t I hear you say Birty?”

“You did.”

“So who’s Birty?”

“Well.”

“Carmen?”

“He is…”

“Tom?”

“Birty is…”

_“Oh my god…”_

“... the baby.”

“THE BABY?!”

“We just found out Friday.”

“Why are you only telling me now?!”

“I was going to call you, but I’ve been napping most of the weekend.”

“OH MY GOD. HOLY SHIT… HEIDI, COVER YOUR EARS. NO, COVER YOUR BROTHER’S EARS… GO WAIT IN THE KITCHEN… CARMEN!”

“Are you okay?”

“TOM YOU MOTHERFUCKER.”

“Erm, thank you?”

“Oh my god oh my god oh my god…”

“I’m due in February.”

“On my birthday, actually.”

“Carmen, you know you are never going to be able to top this as a birthday present, right?”

“I guess that’s one way of looking at it.”

“And September! Of course. A little soon, but I know you don’t want to look totally knocked up in the photos.”

“Just a little knocked up, if I can help it.”

“Have you told anyone else?”

“We drove up to my mum’s yesterday so we could tell her in person.”

“How’d she take it, Tom?”

“She burst into tears, then began hauling out my baby clothes for us to bring back.”

“Seriously, Annie, there are two plastic bins full of nothing but sailor suits.”

“Have you told Pilar yet?”

“I haven’t been able to track her down.”

“Is she on one of those Filipino package tours to visit, like, all the holy sites in Bulgaria?”

“Is the Pope Catholic?”

“Ha! Tom, that was perfect. I think dad jokes are going to be your thing.”

“Annie, that is the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

“It is?”

“Well, considering you yelled _TOM YOU MOTHERFUCKER_ when we told you we were expecting a little one, it’s definitely up there.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine."

"But let me try that again. Tom?”

“Annie, Carmen and I are getting married in the autumn, as our baby is due in winter, and we need you and your family to be there when we do.”

“Tom, thank you, and _mazel tov_. Carmen, your boy’s got a way with words.”

“I know.”

“Of course we’ll be there.”

“Thank you, Annie.”

“Mind if I grab Heidi? She’s shaking the swear jar at me and demanding to speak to the two of you.”

“How full is the swear jar?’

“Full enough we might be able to pay for our airfare with it, Tom.”

“Okay, put Heidi on.”

“One more thing. Birty…?”

“It’s an inside joke.”

“Yeah?”

“I’ll tell you all about it later.”

“Later?”

“Later… after I talk to Heidi… and I… get in one more nap.”

**Author's Note:**

> The other idea I was was ridiculous (it's [here on Tumblr](https://oeffsee.tumblr.com/post/175915974423/damageditem-insanely-smart-london-england) if you want to read it) but I may do something with it eventually.


End file.
